Tears II: Beyond Sweat

I say I don’t cry often, but then I think about the times I do cry, and it’s mostly when I’m moved by something, not sad about something, and then I think to myself, I actually cry a lot. And in that context, I love crying.

This past Sunday, a friend I’ll call Joan and I ran the 10K race that was part of the Marine Corps Marathon. We weren’t into putting a lot of pressure on ourselves (at least not overtly — that would ruin the “fun”), so therefore hadn’t talked much about the race until that week. We casually agreed that after we finished the race we would find our friend who was running the marathon for the first time and cheer her on.

But I confess that at the end of the 10K, which started on the Mall and ended in Arlington, I was mostly thinking about going home. Not only was I sweaty and getting cold, but it was also my son’s 13th birthday. I was feeling a bit guilty for not being there. Furthermore, how were we going to find our friend along that 26.2-mile route that extended up into Virginia? How would we get there? Once there, how long would we have to wait to see her? Did I mention I was cold? And that I’d ditched my hat before walking out of the house?

Then there was the issue of ultimately getting home. Most of the surrounding streets were closed because of the marathon, and I live more than a few blocks from a metro station. I’d just run 6.2 miles, after all. Instead of shrugging at the idea of more walking, I was balking.

Fortunately there was a Starbucks near the 10K finish line, which is practically where the line to order started. As we waited for a precious latte from surely the most profitable Starbucks on the planet that day, Joan repeatedly dialed our friend’s husband, who wasn’t answering.

Finally, as we started slurping down our hard-won hot drinks, he called. We should go back down to the Mall and catch her around mile 18. Easy, we thought. The Metro was across the street.

Except I was reliving memories from two years ago of large masses of people crowding the Metro entrance. It had been so menacing that my friends and I immediately retreated and started walking across Key Bridge. As Joan and I approached the turnstiles and joined the blob moving slowly down the escalators, I started to sweat again. “Um, I don’t like this,” I murmured, and Joan shot me a serious look. “Are you claustrophobic?”

“Um, uh, just a little…. I’ll be fine.” I forced myself to keep going, to push down dark thoughts of trampling crowds and being trapped underground and just shuffle forward. Once we reached the platform, the crowds thinned and I breathed a bit easier. But then the train arrived, and the blob moved toward the small opening of the doors, and I had this panicky sense of flowing over the top of the funnel — we’re not going to make it! I tried to draft off Joan, who subtly but deliberately pushed her way forward and around others simultaneously. Suddenly, we’d stepped through the doors. We were on the train.

“Wow, that was impressive,” I said.

“I lived in New York. I’ve learned a few tricks.”

On the train we miraculously found ourselves standing right next to one of only two other 10K runners on our “team” — I spied his t-shirt sporting “Team Swab-a-Cheek,” a nonprofit which helps find matches for bone marrow donation. We introduced ourselves and laughed in amazement that among 30,000 runners, we ended up right next to each other on the Metro. [Plug: Go get your cheek swabbed and possibly save a life. It’s simple: http://www.swabacheek.org]

In a few short stops, we found ourselves at the Smithsonian. We made our way to a spot along the route at the Mall, and waited for the husband somewhere in front of us to alert us to our friend’s impending arrival.

In the meantime, we watched. I realized I was not prepared for the show that was playing right before me, for the sheer humanness that was parading by. For the sweat and determination on the faces, the ease with which so many seemed to run, as though they had just begun and hadn’t covered 17 miles, 9.2 more to go…. For the costumes, the clown wig, the full-body green suit. For the signs, the flags, the strollers — a marathoner pushing a child in a stroller! For the cheers of the crowd, the urging on, the “you can do it!” screams around us.

I was not prepared for show of heart. Most moving were those who’d lost a limb or were disabled in some way. The amputee hand-cycling on the recumbent bike flew past me so quickly I barely had time to register what I saw. Fallen comrades’ and lost loved ones’ photos were plastered on passing t-shirts. Panting, out-of-shape runners with causes scribbled on their faces trotted by.

Eventually, we spied our friend approaching, looking energetic with her earbuds in, as we waved and yelled loudly. Suddenly she turned toward us, arms rising up overhead, a wide smile brightening her face. She later said seeing us for that fleeting moment got her through the rest of the race.

The whole scene got to me in a way I hadn’t anticipated. Being there amid that crowd of marathoners and cheerleaders, inspired by their strength, will and determination — it was beyond words. Tears would have to do.

Most amazing marathoners — Most-amazing marathoners

Music Extra! Great and not-obvious song from my running playlist (“tears” in lyrics!):

“Engine to Turn,” by Tift Merritt. Check it out, below.

Rocky Road: Half marathon, anyone?

I’m basically a lazy person. I really don’t like to exert myself unless there’s a good reason. I’m also basically an optimist. I think life tends to err on the plus side, and things usually turn out how they’re supposed to. These two traits can sometimes lead me down a tricky path, one strewn with over-confidence and under-appreciation of reality. I’ll give you a recent example.

I’m a fair-weather runner, meaning that in the wintertime, unless I’m feeling particularly disgusted with myself, I will find all kinds of reasons not to run (like, it’s 35 degrees outside, or, I’d rather nap). This also means that when spring comes around, I don the running shoes and hit the pavement as though I’ve been running all winter. I have learned over recent years that I need to stretch and strengthen in order to begin again, but for the most part, I just start running.

Two years ago a friend–I’ll call her Olivia–convinced me to run a half marathon just after Labor Day. For a “seasonal” runner (sounds much better), I surprised myself and took this fairly seriously. I trained a bit over the summer and built up my mileage to where I finally ran 10 miles. If you can do 10, I’d heard, you can run a half on race day. Still, I was nervous.

The morning of the race, Olivia showed up at my door red-nosed and stuffed-up, tissues in hand, but still determined to run. (Her work ethic is much stronger than mine.) Suddenly feeling a little lighter, I valiantly told her we’d go as slow as she needed. During the race, I, martyr-like, velcroed myself to her side (“I wouldn’t dream of leaving you!”). At our thankfully civilized pace, I crossed the finish line feeling pretty good about my “accomplishment” alongside my sniffling friend, who’d run 13.1 miles suffering from what her doctor later diagnosed as a full-bore sinus infection.

After skipping last year, we decided to run it again this year. With a big birthday looming, I thought, why not? Half marathon for a half century? Sounds good to me!

Except, I was having a bit of trouble getting motivated this summer. Down at the beach, I’d go running and have to give up after several miles or take breaks because of the heat. I rose early a few mornings, but was also coveting the extra winks and the fact that my children are finally old enough not to burst into my room asking for breakfast or an early schlepp to the ocean. (Guess I love sleep more than running.) I figured I was taking the stairs daily at this three-story beach house. Besides, I’d run this race before, right? It wasn’t so bad … Right??

But by the end of the summer, it hit me: the most I’d managed to run was 8 miles. Once.

Then, a couple of days before the race, Olivia emails me: “I think we should leave at 5:30 a.m. to get to the race in time.”

“I have clock shock,” I email back. I can’t remember the last time I was up at 5:30 a.m. And stayed up.

This isn’t like last time, I start to realize. I am truly nervous. This isn’t just a lark. I could get seriously injured.

But this is also a matter of pride, I tell myself. I am going to run this thing, even if I have to walk it. Although I’d rather not walk.

Well, as it turns out, the week before the race Olivia’s back is acting up (not from running, ironically), and whether she will even participate is a question. While I don’t want her to run and get injured, I am secretly relieved that if she does run, we will not be trying to break any records. Once again, I could be called on to “sacrifice” pace, refusing to leave her in the dust as some other lesser and more competitive friend might do. No, I will be the trusty sidekick, ready to catch her if she collapses–but hopefully not right on top of me.

Considering her track record (ha), I’m not surprised when Olivia decides last-minute to run. The day of the race, she appears at my doorstep having popped three Advil and armed with her phone in case she needs to call for backup. I cross fingers for her and breathe easier for me. This may just work out, and no one will be the wiser that I’m practically winging it.

The starting gun goes off and we are keeping a nice pace, chatting and dodging runners here and there. But as the race progresses, I see that Olivia has not clued into my secret plan. She is barely slowing down at the water stations, and her eyes are focused and determined. Mid-race, as another friend and I stop for some quick stretching, Olivia keeps scooting along with barely a glance backward, calling to us that it’s hard for her to stop and start again. I realize with growing alarm that the only way she’s going to run this race is by not stopping at all. We are the ones being left in the dust.

My friend and I turn to each other, eyes wide, acknowledging that the runner with the ailing back and back-up phone is ahead of us. Somehow, we summon some energy and kick into gear, trying to catch up with the female Forrest Gump.

In the final stretch we do just that, and cross the finish line within a few seconds of each other. As we slap backs and guzzle water, I marvel that it is not even 9:30 a.m. I begin plotting my nap time.

“The obstacle is the path,” as the Zen proverb says. It’s the idea that what we dread or fear is actually what we need to face in order to grow. But starting down that path, and staying on it, isn’t easy, and sometimes we need a few signposts along the way. I’m not saying running a half marathon is the ultimate answer–it’s just a foot race, after all–but it was a challenge I certainly was dreading, and I’m thankful for the friend at my side and the other one up ahead, pulling me further than I thought I could go.

But boy, are my calves sore.

Sometimes you need a little push to start down the path. — Sometimes you need a little push to get down the path.

Running, Writing, Striving

Note: This entry is not an actual song-title prompt, but this song is on my running playlist and came on when I was thinking about the topic, below.

Song Title: “Doors Unlocked and Open” by Death Cab for Cutie (from Codes and Keys album)

As I lope along the shoreline, compulsorily glancing out over the glistening sea, it occurs to me that running and writing — both interests of mine — are a lot alike. Each requires an elaborate preamble that sometimes takes longer than the activity itself. Before running (especially at the beach) wind and temperature must be checked for optimum conditions, sunscreen liberally applied, shoes laced just so, playlist cued up, ipod running app ready. Then, when I’ve covered every other procrastination angle, I go to the bathroom … again.

During the run itself, I try to enjoy it, and sometimes that actually happens. I run with ease, not constantly trying to catch my breath. My body feels light and my mind wanders in a good way. Basically, I’m not slogging. But more often than not, my legs feel heavy, I frequently check time and distance, and I talk to myself as I would a whiny child: “Just to that yellow house,” “Only a half-mile to go,” “C’mon, don’t be a pansy!”

Similarly, I have to be in the “right” frame of mind to write. Usually this means bills have been paid, email checked (in at least the last 15 minutes), caffeine ingested, kids asleep or otherwise occupied, husband ensconced in his office, and no latest episode of “Mad Men” burning up the DVR queue.

When I finally start writing, there are those rare occasions when the words flow easily. But much of the time it is a start-stop situation, like a car with a bad battery. Sometimes I will get a text or call with an “urgent” issue. Every 20 minutes or so I have to get water or check my spam folder. A professional organizer once told me after some observation that I had about a 90-minute attention span. And she didn’t mean 90-minute increments. She meant for the whole time. That’s not SO bad, right? Well, ok, for a child…

But if I can get the battery going, I’m usually writing for something like that 90-minute span. Or at least to the point that I’ve feel like I’ve written SOMETHING. Sometimes I quit in the middle of a thought, so that I know where to pick up the next time. I heard Ernest Hemingway did that.

I love Anne Lamott’s comparison of the writing process to advice her father once gave her brother, who hadn’t begun a report on birds that was due the next day: Take it “bird by bird.” (That’s also the title of her book — one of the best ever on writing.) Running, and writing even, is just one foot in front of the other (even if your shoulders are hunched over) til you’ve gone far enough to catch your breath. And at that point, occasionally, it gets easier and you keep going.

I was thinking of the word “strive” and how it seems to encapsulate both “try” and “strength.” First, you have to have the intention — the desire to try — and secondly, you need the strength to take those first few steps.